| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|12:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stellaststarr* | ] |
I went to two parties last night. C'est tres bien. I drank like 7 beers at the first one, and didn't get a buzz, and they loved me, and I loved them back, and they made me leave my number so they could call me next time they were having a party. I think it's because I didn't do what I used to do and go off and steal anyone's girlfriend. They were good people. At the second party, I drank five more beers, and still didn't get tipsy. It was kind of disappointing, but I have a SUPERLIVER 3000Z from Rite Aid, so it was all good. Then we played shot checkers, and I took all the shots for a girl who was playing because she was (in my opinion) way too young to drink, and she ended up losing, so I took like 15 shots, and remained clear-headed. Then, someone brought up my guitar (which I happened to bring for such an occasion), so I played a few of my songs, and everybody thought it was amazing because they were all drunk, and two girls asked for my number, and were begging me to stay, and they were offering to give me a ride home, but I told them it would have to be a long ride (because they were attractive), but I said no and that I had to work at 6:30 in the morning, and I needed to leave with Alex when she left. So, they were sad, but they can call me if they feel the need. Anyways, we went home and I got there at 3 in the morning, and was suddenly belligerent. I started to watch white noise, but I was too fucked up to understand what was going on, so I went to sleep. I woke up at 9:30 this morning, because I didn't have work. |
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| ....and so on..... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | me still, stellastarr | ] |
This is one of those moments when my total lack of her will drive me insane, if I let it. I miss her, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I can't cover her up with newly hatched emotions that I don't even know truly exist, it just doesn't work that way. I can't not look at pictures of her every day, the ones taken during perfect times, when we were all younger and more willing to fall, because they remained burned into my brain, like freshly taken memories, implanted behind my eyelids. I wish I could know exactly what to do, but I can't because that's not the way our clever little world works. I must play this silly little game by ear, and go where I am led, but I seem to be unfortunately and unmistakeably blind as to which way to turn next until I get to the fork in the road (which, then, I seem to do okay), but until then, I have only hope and patience. I wish I could make it contagious, but some just don't want it. I feel like I am stuck in a whirlwind, mostly because I am. I have all the answers, but no one seems to know the questions. I feel sorry for everyone, and myself, and anyone who is as utterly broken and alone as I feel to be, but that's okay. People don't need consolation. They just need direction. It's too bad it isn't mine to give. I love you, and it kills me every time I open my mouth to breathe.
Last night I had a dream I used to have all the time when I was little. I haven't had it in a very long time, but it was like going home to the place that you feel the safest and most powerful. In my dream, there is a raging river. On one side of the river, there are nothing but forests. On the other side, the side I was on, there are cliffs, and sandstone and shale outcroppings of rock, lots of sand, things like that. And a lodge from where you can survey the whole thing. At the mouth of this river, there is an enormous waterfall that is very steep and powerful (I was swept into it by the current once a long time ago, and another time, I swam all the way across). The bottom of the waterfall would tear anyone apart who got caught in it, and then it swells back up to just below the level the original river was at. In the middle of this river, there is a rocky island reef, where alot of people on innertubes and other floatation devices were either camping out, or were stranded, for this reef was just at the edge of the falls. There were lots of people swimming around in the water, some were drowning, I'm sure, and several of them were getting swept over the falls with the current. I watched all of this. My old best friend Randy's parents were there, and so were my mom and step-dad, and my sister(who asked me for tums, and I gave her some, and I had alot of vitamins, the fruity flavored kinds, which I was eating like candy)was there, as well as tons of other people I may have known, but didn't readily recognise. I do know there was SOMEONE there who I loved or at least wanted to. Anyways, I was changing my clothes in a side room area in the lodge, and my mom accidently opened the door to let some people in (she didn't know I was changing), and it was very awkward, because I had to cover myself with my pants, and she couldn't shut the door because people kept coming in, and it was really funny. I have come across an interpretation to the dream while writing this.....I hope it is true...... |
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| Frequencies |
[May. 30th, 2005|10:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | me | ] |
Thirty three seconds to lift off.
Watch me take my things and fly off into the (magnetism of pragmatism) universe. Good riddance. I'll never say good bye. I'll take all my things and leave you with the rest. Broken pieces won't beat, but they do make for lovely observations. I wrote you the song that says so long to avoid this mess I'm currently in. Such a beautiful obliteration of the synapses. I'm shaply dulled and off I go to find out how many ways I can prove you wrong. Thre is substantial evidence to prove that I won't be coming back. But , of course, I will. Boys like us always do.
Just make sure you watch for me among the stars. I'll be the one waving the flag with your name on it, scrawled in blood and black ink, torn to shreds, stitched together, and burning.
Good day oblivion, it's time to die. I am the one who wins this round.
I promise. |
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| fiber |
[May. 29th, 2005|05:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | me | ] |
the words will slip now from my lips wet like post-rain pavement, and my tongue will chase them away just to make more room for you. I never wanted to be the one who said things die, but these days, what lives? and so my statement bears no false promise. But i, on the other hand, have dedicated myself to living, life, and all it's clever inconsistencies, which make it so heartbreakingly pleasing to the blood. I would drown in that precious blood if i knew how. I would drink it up and fill my lungs with it, if only to die more perfectly. I love the tasts of your blood, and my vampiricies are misunderstood and yet all the more appreciated for it. Strange thing life is, in which we can become lost in eyes and song, but never in a belief or a promise of good forthcomings. Sad it seems, that few will even listen to a kind word, but all notice the curses and cruelties that are so often placed in front of each other's faces as a part on normal and expected life. Why can't we all just get along? Because no one really wants to. Without war, there is no personal gain. Without conflict, there is no resolution. The problem that lies therein, is that without all these things in the first place, there would indeed exist no cause for resolution. Since is is human nature to try to solve problems that don't exist, in effect trying to replace the perfect order of our creator with our own flawed ingenuity; we thus create them, so that we CAN solve them. The purpose of the theoretical sciences is to determine the liklihood of a possible problem arising, create it, then, eliminate it. This is why curiosity is our greates curse, but our most divine blessing. Curiosity leads to discovery, art, invention, and creation, but in counterpoint, to suspicion, jealousy, conflict, and destruction. It is probably our most evenly weighted gift as humans on this planet. Our problem is and always has been the lack of our ability to controll it, or, resistance of temptation when the crossable line has become clear. We as people are all about pushing limits, and whether for ourselves, or for a show to others, as retaliation or example, tend to frequently if not reliably push them too far.
How do we solve this problem? Will power. I people weren't weak, then we could do it. But that is the core. |
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| 3dots |
[May. 27th, 2005|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | myself lately | ] |
.clouds rush by and i'm always watching them fade. there seems to be nothing better to do than to love all whom i meet. but clouds always fade. i will wait for the summer to fall on my doorstep. there will be no clouds. and the clear blue of her eyes will let me know that she is finally here.
.fall in love. .trivial. .remain in love. .impossible. .profess your love. .questionable. .know your love.
.divine.
.but clouds always fade. |
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| With your foot in your mouth, you choke on more than words |
[Sep. 4th, 2004|06:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Muse | ] |
You choke on toes, too I realized. It's kind of weird to sit around with your foot in your mouth though, so I took it out and watched Pirates of the Caribbean, which also turned out to be much better without a foot in your mouth. Plus i tend to wiggle my toes alot, so aside from being able to scratch my strep throat, i noticed that this convenience was overruled by the fact that toes in your mouth kind of feel like worms, penises, or those neat little mini carrots that come with the cool little ranch dipping buckets. I love ranch. And, I love Stevie. So if I had a whhhhoooole bunch of ranch, and a whole bunch of neat little mini dipping stevies, or just one huge giant sized stevie like usual, covered in just ranch, that would be swell. Or it would probably make me sick. But the idea would be fun for a little while. And she'd be really funny to look at. Yeah. I'd lick her. Or i could suck on her hair. YUM. What are heels all about, anyways? You don't tell them to heel because, supposedly they already do? I don't know. Mine hate me because they just get walked on all the time. Always telling me I have no soul and such. So every once in a while they up and leave an I collapse in front of everybody. It's usually alot of people, too. I think they plan it that way. I think I'm going to call mine ass holes. I walk around on ass holes all day. Do my feet stink? I'll let you be the judge. |
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| More Near than Far |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|02:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Taking Back Sunday | ] |
One day i'll wake up and she'll be there. To kiss me as my eyes open, to hold me as my mouth does too, and I say I love her. But she isn't here now. And yet, she is always. I can see her eyes when I look at the stars. I hear her voice when standing beside the ocean. I can feel her skin, when I close my eyes......soft, beautiful. And in dreams, she kisses me long, and I fall in love for another day, and thus the rest of my life. Stevie, you are my star, no matter what the song says. You may be a million miles away, but every day brings me years closer, and I can no longer wait.
I love you. |
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| The most miserable wakeup |
[Jul. 30th, 2004|12:23 pm] |
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Today,I woke up without her, and realized the true extent of my addiction. Falling asleep without her led to horrible dreams of anger and indifference. I woke up with tears burned into my face, and a heavy heart from falling. Please save me beautiful. Please save me from this pain. I'm lost right now, but your light still shines for me, my beacon and flash of hope amidst the raging storms I sail through. And then all I want is your voice to be the first thing I hear to wake me up, and all I can hear is the ringing |
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